...10 things I hate about everything...

1) Threatening e-mails/text messages - I will not be murdered or have 324 years of bad luck if I don't forward some email about angles who pee to make grass grow. It's really really annoying. I got one the other the day that said my mom was gonna die if I didn't forward it. MY MOM! People, here's the deal. Hobbies will keep your mind occupied. Really, model ships, burnt toast sculpture, amateur porn, anything is better than this!

2)   Insignificant conversation - I am all about meeting new people; but if I'm reading a magazine with headphones in on my bumpy flight to Idaho please let's just avoid this whole thing. If I'm on the elevator you are in no way obligated to speak to me. Just stare at the numbers like everyone else. I know we're only on the 3^rd floor but it's more interesting than "Boy it's hot out there"

3)  Close talkers - Why is it that the worse someone's breath is the closer they want to be to when telling a secret? What do you do when the little bit of spit lands on your nose because "Bob in accounting" won't just back the hell up?! And chances are dear Bob isn't telling you a secret anyway. Chances are he's telling you about some inappropriate story involving him, a Korean hooker, and a pony and he's screaming at the top of his lungs. Damnit Bob. We hate you. We all hate you.

4) How could you not know my obscure reference -Ummmm... I have a life (I guess) and just because I don't get your joke about the gaffers name on "When Harry Met Sally" please don't get a chip on your shoulder. Embrace your nerdiness. Leave attempts at being a part of normal society to the rest of us.

5)   The not funny guy - I've been that guy. I'll admit it. Not everyone is smart enough to get my humor. Hell, I might even be that guy right now, but I've revoked my courtesy laugh for most. I once spent a day in San Francisco with a friend's boy friend that was going to stand up comedy classes at night. He spent the entire day trying to work on his routine. Did I mention he was in comedy night school? When the car slowed to 40 I flung myself out of the sunroof. Nuff said.

6)    Feet - I'm not asking for a chorus of amen's on this one, But I hate feet. There is no such thing as a pretty foot. Every time a woman asks me to look at her new pedicure my butt hole puckers up. The worse the foot the tighter the pucker. I once saw a foot so bad I thought I was going to disappear into myself like in those Bugs Bunny cartoons where someone pulls the drain plug! And the dreaded foot rub request. Only if you bring me surgical gloves, In fact just bring me a latex body suit. 

7)   Repeat callers - You know them. The call your cell, you don't answer. They call your landline, you don't answer. They send you a text saying hey what's up, you don't reply. Then they think they are outsmarting you by calling back in 5 minutes with their called ID blocked. WTF! If it takes all that to try and get in touch with me would that not tell you I don't want to talk to you! Just keep thinking I hate you and move on with life. GEEZ!!!

8) Smelly Twats - I need not elaborate

9)  Body part profile Pics - Just a note; if they have a close up on just their lips or one eye as the main profile picture chances are that the rest of them is horribly disfigured. Think "Bizarro" from Superman. And if you do opt for the lip close up please moisturize. It's all I ask. 

10)  Gym Shower talkers - The worst of the worst!!! My man bits are exposed, can you not ask me for stock tips! Why would you want to do anything other than wash your ass and escape for the hellish nightmare that is the gym shower! I will give you my left foot if you can keep your trap shut until I get my wang back into my jeans!